23 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

  1. The mere concept of doing so is unheard of. Some people may point out that I did indeed have a significant other once, but we never actually went on dates.
  2. I’m not very good at the whole intimacy thing. Don’t get me wrong, interlacing fingers with the right person is like finding a home in a pair of hands and hugs from behind are the best kind of surprise, but being awkward is the only trophy I’ve ever earned that my name is rightfully engraved on.
  3. I hate when people say “fetch” when they aren’t referring to a dog, getting a pail of water, or making a Mean Girls reference.
  4. My hair is a chameleon that changes color with my swings of mood, so don’t ever get used to it looking a certain way, especially since…
  5. All the bleach and dye may one day catch up with me and I’ll lie in my grave as a bald, unattractive woman.
  6. Even with hair on my head I am an unattractive woman.
  7. I actually want to be cremated and not buried, that way no one can look at my cake face corpse lying inside the coffin and think man, what an unattractive woman.
  8. That overly extended, not-at-all joke isn’t the main reason; I just seem to prefer some of the alternative options, like spreading my ashes in a field of sunflowers or being made into a tree.
  9. My thoughts are like a spontaneous tourist, flying at several miles an hour from place to place without a speck of correlation.
  10. I can be the most annoying grammar nazi sometimes, even when my own grammar is at war with itself.
  11. I keep a folder full of random uncommon words on my external hard drive just because I’m so fascinated with the obscurities of the English language.
  12. I keep a jar on my bedside table full of colorful stars folded up out of thin strips of paper. On the inside of many are wishes expressed in black ink scrawl. I don’t know why I bother to continue such a tradition, when not one has bothered to come true.
  13. I used to wish to become a singer. My singing career ended with the sound of two buzzers and the abrupt stop of an instrumental track at a local talent show.
  14. Sometimes I hang my bath towels on my microphone stand.
  15. Sometimes I want to hang myself because I cannot stand being me.
  16. I haven’t graduated college yet, but I’ve got a PhD in making people disappear.
  17. I know I’m fucked up, but even so I’m hoping someone will find beauty in myself that I cannot see.
  18. I know it’s illogical to search for beauty in myself.
  19. I also know it’s illogical to wish that someone will love you when you can’t even love yourself, but I do anyway, because even when I don’t believe in love at first sight, I do believe in miracles.
  20. I do not lack in self-confidence because I want pity in the form in shining compliments, nor because I want some kind of melancholic “cool kid” image.
  21. I lack in self-confidence because I genuinely do not like who I am. I look in the mirror and see eyes that have seen wasted time. I see bones that jut out of a body like a foot in the door; an invasion unwelcome; an invitation for fear to waltz on inside. I see a flicker that could have been a flame; if boredom and laziness were used as firewood; if more was put into wild, burning passion. I see a draft that the artist has forgotten he had ever worked on. I see a work-in-progress that will never see any more progress; one that will remain untouched and unfinished and left behind while greater pieces see the spotlight.
  22. I do not want my lover to feel like they have to remedy the scratches of a broken record. That’s technology no one should have to hear of or care for anymore. Our love should feel like a steady stream, no buffering or ads in-between. Our memories should be like a playlist of our favorite melodies, the very ones you want to rewind over and over and over without the disc getting stuck in the machine. So…
  23. I am not looking to date anyone right now. Not until I know—with 100% of this crippled spirit—that I don’t want to pause this song named heartbeat.